Bilal Assad – The path to aura and respect
AI: Summary ©
The importance of shamelessness and the concept of "hams" in Islam is discussed, particularly in avoiding shame and bringing one's own shame upon oneself. The speakers stress the importance of physical contact and showing respect for privacy in parenting children, particularly in the face of sexual interactions and in the face of sexual interactions. The speakers stress the importance of finding the right way to deal with a person and finding the right way to make friends and improve mental health, particularly in the face of negative emotions.
AI: Summary ©
Bismillah ar-Rahman ar-Rahim, alhamdulillah, wassalatu wassalamu
ala rasulillah.
Brothers and sisters, tonight inshallah is a new
topic from Riyadh al-Saliheen, a very good
topic for our time called hayaa, hayaa, ha,
yaa.
And the word hayaa is an Arabic word
which is mentioned in the Quran and also
in the many hadiths and it is one
of the core values and characteristics and one
of the branches of Iman, branches of true
faith and of a Muslim.
Hayaa generally, before I define it in detail,
I'm just going to share a couple of
stories to set the scene, but hayaa in
general, in simple words, is a combination in
English of what we say modesty, modesty, self
-respect, bashfulness, having a moral conscience and acting
upon it, hayaa.
And it comes from the meaning of life,
hayaa.
So the more a person, the more a
person's heart is full of life, the more
your modesty and your sense of right and
wrong becomes important to you.
And the less life you have and the
more unaware a person's heart is, the less
modesty, shame, bashfulness, self-respect a person has.
So I'll share with you two little stories
just to set the scene insha'Allah.
Both of them are true stories that happened
to me.
The first one, I was sitting at a
friend's cafe outside on the main road, the
footpath outside, where they had some chairs and
tables.
And I saw a young boy, a young
man, maybe 14, 15, running away and a
security guard is chasing him.
And he had stolen some things from a
shop.
So I had a friend of mine who
was standing there and he stopped him.
And the young boy became embarrassed and started
to justify trying to say things about, I
didn't mean it or I didn't take anything.
So a sense of guilt, a sense of
guilt, because he got caught.
And I think he must have recognized us,
so he felt a bit of shame.
I looked at that as a good thing
and I felt a bit of a heart
towards him, thinking we don't know his circumstances,
how was he raised, what family lifestyle he
may have.
It was a school day, don't know what
he's doing outside of school, so there's a
lot of things that could have happened.
So this friend of mine, he went and
reconciled the situation with the owners of the
shop and he paid for the stolen things
that this boy took.
He did a good deed, may Allah reward
him, and gave him a little bit of
advice.
This young boy had some friends with him,
younger than him.
The younger friends didn't steal anything and they
said, we didn't do anything, we're just following.
So as the young boy came back with
his friends, he went past me again and
he started acting like he did something macho
in front of his friends, swearing and saying
whatever, it's just something, who cares, and went
off.
Subhanallah, I thought this word hayat, if we
can teach our children hayat from a very
young age, with tenderness and with gentleness and
with wisdom and parents share their time with
their kids from a young age, teaching them
what hayat means, what modesty and the sense
of right and wrong is, to feel shy
when you're doing the wrong thing and having
that strong moral compass.
This is what Islam is all about.
This boy would not be speaking the way
he's speaking.
The opposite of hayat, the opposite is shame.
And if a person cannot feel shame, then
they don't have modesty.
Shame means it's something that is dishonorable.
You do things that keep you away from
shame.
Shame is a detested thing, it's not good.
And we shouldn't allow shame to come to
us.
Modesty is the opposite.
And the Prophet ﷺ, he said, والحياء شعبة
من الإيمان.
Modesty is one of the branches of Iman,
of true faith.
And the great scholars of Islam and jurists
have always spoken about this saying, they quoted
the hadith of the Prophet ﷺ saying, every
religion, every followers of all other religions, they
have something special that makes their religion special
to them, a characteristic that stands out.
And the thing that stands out for Islam
is hayat, modesty, and the sense of a
moral compass of right and wrong.
So that when I do the right thing,
I feel at ease and peace.
And when I do the wrong thing, I
feel uneasy and uncomfortable.
And I don't want people to know this
about me, and I feel ashamed in front
of Allah ﷻ, so then I repent and
I fix.
This is a high, beautiful quality of a
believer.
Another story I want to share with you
is once I was sitting at the park
with my children.
And as I'm watching my children, I saw
like maybe a four or five-year-old
little girl.
She's swinging on the bar, on the floor
swinging on the bar.
And this girl wanted to swing, wanted to
do a flip over the bar.
But she was wearing a dress.
And her mother's watching her, of course, so
the mother said to her, flip, flip, darling,
flip.
So she said, but mum, the girl, she
became bashful.
She said, I'm wearing a dress.
Four or five years old, non-Muslim, non
-Muslim.
So the mother said to her, it's okay,
you're still small.
And so the girl flipped and her dress
went up and down.
The bashfulness went away.
That was a time when she, and I
thought to myself, subhanAllah, sadaqah Rasulullah ﷺ is
truthful.
And the Qur'an is truthful.
That Allah tells us that He created us
on this instinctive, natural predisposition, an instinctive nature
that human beings, if left alone from a
childhood, you naturally develop the sense of modesty
and shyness in a good way.
And you don't like shame.
So this moral compass, I don't know if
some of you are parents, you've seen maybe
your children growing up, at first they'll say
to you when they're one or two years
old or three years old, they go to
the toilet or they go to the potty
or whatever, and they're not very shy at
the beginning.
And then suddenly they reach an age, three
years old, maybe four years old, and suddenly
they say, can you just stand outside the
door?
Maybe they say to you, look, I'll just
put the towel on first.
This is very natural for any child.
And this is called a fitrah, jibillah in
the Qur'an.
Jibillah means the natural way Allah created humans
from birth.
We have a natural moral modesty built inside
of us.
And this modesty, Islam, came to nurture it
and to enhance it and to continue it.
And it commanded the parents to train their
children from a young age, when they catch
it, to train them on haya.
We teach them, for example, that when you
go to the toilet, you don't stay there
for too long.
We say there are impurities in there.
This is part of haya.
We tell them that when you go to
the toilet, you don't share it with another
person.
This is called haya.
We teach them privacy, so we knock on
their door as they get older.
Not because we need their permission, but we
need to role model that there are boundaries
and privacy for people.
And that we shouldn't look into the privacy
affairs of people.
This is part of haya.
We teach them and role model about what
the rights of people are, what's your right
and what's their right, from a very young
age.
This is part of modesty and haya, to
know what people's rights are.
And to feel ashamed when you violate people's
rights, take something that's not yours.
We nurture the idea of dress codes, that
as you get older, you cover more.
And that covering is not just because it's
cold outside, or so that you can stay
safe, that's one reason, but also because dressing
and covering is a moral, modest thing.
It's part of the human dignity, because we
are not animals.
We are not like animals.
Humans and animals are different.
We teach them that when we are alone,
Allah is watching us.
So modesty, what is it?
What is haya?
The meaning of haya is as follows.
It is a natural instinct of modesty and
bashfulness.
The character of modesty and self-respect.
The closest definition that I found, which I
thought is the closest by one of the
jurists, is this.
It is an earnest desire to do what
is right and modest.
And a character which stops you from doing
shameful and immoral things in private and in
public.
With modesty, there is a sense of well
-being and pride and good sense of oneself.
So we see this natural instinct and modesty
and bashfulness in the story of Adam and
Eve in the Quran.
And how Satan tried to lure them into
the act of shamelessness.
To summarize the story, you all know, but
I'll remind you for those who reflect.
When Allah tells us about how he placed
Adam and his wife Eve in paradise, and
he told them not to eat from a
tree.
Nothing special about that tree, but Allah wanted
to teach us something.
He said, just don't eat from that tree.
Nothing special about it.
The Shaitan, Satan, didn't care about the tree.
But he wanted to take away the sense
of morality from Adam and Eve.
And he does it step by step.
So the Shaitan doesn't care what you do.
What he cares about is to take away
the sense of modesty from your heart so
that you can become indifferent, indifferent, don't care
what Allah says to you.
I don't care if I disobey Allah anymore.
Once you do that, you are now at
the mercy of the Shaitan.
The Shaitan gets a hold of you.
Because now you've got no more sincerity.
You've got no more conscience of moral, morality,
bashfulness, no care if you do the right
thing or wrong thing.
And so he said to them, the only
reason Allah doesn't want you to eat from
that tree is because you will live eternally,
you'll become angels.
And he kept giving them lies upon lies.
Adam and Eve had not been used to
people lying to them or things lying to
them.
And the Shaitan even swore by Allah.
He said, I swear by Allah, I am
advising you.
They had never encountered anybody who would even
swear an oath.
Because of the strong haya, the modesty, you
can say they were a little bit gullible.
So obviously a Muslim has to learn about
people's attitudes.
And that's why Allah introduced to us Shaitan
and tells us, learn the bad and the
good.
Not so that you can fall into the
bad, but so that you can avoid the
bad.
So learn that there is bad in this
world.
And we teach our children, there is bad
in this world.
We don't draw a picture, a romantic picture
for them.
We tell them there are bad people and
there's bad in this world.
And there's paradise and there's hellfire.
And hellfire is for the bad people.
Paradise is for the good people and so
on.
So Shaitan, he kept on doing that until
they ate from the tree.
And when they ate from the tree, what
happened to them?
Something that was unusual, something you would not
expect.
The Qur'an is different to what the
current other scriptures say.
The Qur'an says, the truth and that
is, their clothing came off them.
And the light that was covering them was
uncovered.
And so they became naked.
What is the correlation between nakedness and disobeying
Allah with something so small and listen to
the Shaitan?
Because that's what exactly disobeying Allah leads you
to.
Becoming indifferent to Allah's commands opens you to
the mercy of the Shaitan and the Shaitan
wants you to become immoral, indecent, no modesty
whatsoever, don't care about any morality, right or
wrong, because that is what corrupts and causes
chaos and leads people to become evil and
leads you to hellfire.
That's what the Shaitan wants.
So Allah SWT, he tells us in the
Qur'an, In
chapter 7, verse 27, Allah says, O children
of Adam, all of you people, O children
of Adam, let not Satan deceive you in
the manner he deceived your parents out of
paradise, pulling off from them their clothing to
reveal to them their shame.
He and his hosts surely see you from
whence you do not see them.
We have made Satan the guardians of those
who do not believe.
Now here the translation is shame, but really
your body is not a shame.
So I don't really like this translation of
shame.
You'll find it, but I left it there
to just illustrate.
Shame here means that the Shaitan wants you
to attract shame and not be sensitive to
it.
That's what it means here.
But really it means nakedness, to show your
nakedness in the wrong place.
That's shameful.
Not your body that is shameful.
There's no shame in having a body, there's
no shame in being proud and happy in
the way Allah created you.
But being shameful means to let your nakedness
be seen where it shouldn't be seen, doing
the thing in the wrong place.
Allah also says, فوسوس إليه الشيطان قال يا
آدم هل أدلك على شجرة الخلد وملك لا
يبلأ He said, but Satan seduced him, saying,
Adam, Adam, shall I direct you to a
tree that is eternal life and an abiding
kingdom?
وَآدَمُ رَبَّهُ فَغَوَى Is
that a bad thing?
No.
Allah says husband and wife are like clothing
garments to one another.
Nakedness between them is not haram.
It's not shameful.
But in public, in open, the Shaitan is
there, not covering yourself.
That's the shameful thing.
The correlation therefore between disobeying Allah is the
result of it is immodesty, lack of shame,
and you become dead in your heart.
No more sensitivity.
Nakedness, no nakedness, adultery, fornication, stealing, not stealing,
acting like a lunatic, acting like an animal
in front of people, swearing, breaking rules, backbiting,
all of that becomes nothing to that person.
And so they lose their humanity, they lose
their life, because Hayyat is humanity, Hayyat is
life.
Some people misunderstand this and they say, well
I don't care what people think.
That's a wrong thinking.
I don't care, I don't care if people,
and shame, being shameful you don't get anywhere
in life.
That's what they say.
No, that's wrong.
Don't believe that stuff.
We're not talking about a person being, having
low self-esteem.
That if you ask them what's your name
and they go, or you say, for example,
you know, you ask them a simple question
and then they don't know how to even
talk.
No, no, not like that.
Shamefulness is to look at what is right
and wrong and have integrity.
Have integrity.
You work at a place and you've got
control over the cash register.
Nobody's watching, you open the cash register, your
shame, your modesty, that Allah is watching you,
your instinctive nature of modesty, of sense of
right and wrong will stop you from stealing,
even if you can get away with it.
Otherwise how is it that people appreciate the
goodness of others?
How is it that people stop from killing
and murdering and harming others?
How is it that what stops people from
doing immodest, immoral acts if it wasn't for
the sense of modesty and detesting of shame?
So brothers and sisters, therefore shame is the
opposite of modesty.
And in Arabic shame means aar, aar means
disgrace, dishonor.
When you don't have modesty and self-respect
you bring shame upon yourself.
So to me haya to mean shame does
not give the accurate meaning.
Shame carries the notion that you yourself are
somehow bad or that your body itself is
shameful.
When we cover ourselves, for example, we don't
do it because of shame but because of
modesty.
Covering because of shame gives the impression that
my body, for example, itself is shameful or
bad in some way.
No, a Muslim doesn't do that because of
that.
Or if I do a bad deed, just
thinking of shame, it can make me think
that I am a bad person by nature
and good for nothing and there's no hope
in me, for example.
So for example that boy that we saw
stealing, the way we would approach him is
saying, son, this is not your character.
And you know Allah is watching.
You did the wrong thing.
We see our children doing the wrong thing.
We don't say you're bad.
You're good for nothing.
I don't know why I gave birth to
you.
You came out wrong.
You're a mistake.
No, you're an accident.
We never say words like that to our
children because now we change them into they
themselves are a shame.
No, we've got to separate the two.
Hayat means modesty.
They're born with it.
Then do the things that keep away shame
and let them know that shame is not
good.
Covering your body is not about just for
the sake of social norms or the cold
or just for appearance.
It's an act of modesty and piety when
it is done in the way that is
prescribed by Allah.
We often say, for example, the person has
no shame or have you no shame or
shame on you.
What we mean by that is that that
person has no moral conscience.
He has no sense of care to be
dishonorable, no consideration to right or wrong.
I don't care.
So what?
Or whether he takes people's rights or whom
he harms in the process or not.
So long as his desires, feelings, and wants
are met.
That's all that matters to this person.
I do what I want and I don't
care about anyone else.
This is a person who is dead in
their heart.
There is no modesty in that person and
we need to help them ignite it.
My brothers and sisters, at the time of
Umar ibn al-Khattab, for example, he made
a rule, a law.
Umar ibn al-Khattab said he found that
the businessmen were selling milk mixed with water
and tricking the people.
They were fraudulent and charging people for what
seemed to be pure milk but it was
mixed with water.
So he made a law and a punishment
for anybody who was caught mixing milk with
water and selling it, deceiving the buyers.
One day as is normal practice, he used
to walk with his apprentice around at night
disguised to see if anybody is in need
of anything.
Not to catch people but to see if
anyone is in need.
Some people were embarrassed to come forth for
help.
One day he sat to rest beside a
wall after helping a woman and her kids
and he overheard someone behind the wall of
a mother and her daughter that were preparing
milk to sell the next day.
And the mother said to her daughter, mix
the milk with water.
So the daughter, she said, didn't you hear
Amir al-Mumineen, the leader of the believers,
has said that now we are forbidden and
there's a punishment?
And her mother said to her, and where
is Amir al-Mumineen to see us?
So the daughter says, if Amir al-Mumineen
cannot see us, can't Allah see us?
Sense of modesty and haya.
Amir al-Khattab went home, got his son
and he came back, knocked on their door
and said, excuse me, I am here, you
are the people who are overheard before, excuse
me, forgive me, I didn't mean it.
And the mother got scared.
She said, Wallahi, Amir al-Mumineen will never
do it again.
He said, don't worry, I'm not here to
punish you.
But I'm here to know about your daughter.
He said, what about my daughter?
He says, she's an amazing person and I
would like to propose.
She said, Amir al-Mumineen proposed to my
daughter?
He said, not for me, not for me,
for my son.
A daughter like yours, we should not let
go of her.
Let her see my son.
If they like each other, go ahead.
And truly they got married and from them
came the fifth khalifa or the seventh khalifa
or the eighth, Umar ibn Abdul Aziz.
So that is haya.
We have haya, modesty in front of Allah
when you're alone.
And that is the highest form.
If no one sees me, I know that
Allah sees me.
We have to have haya in front of
the angels.
The angels watch us.
And we have haya, modesty with ourselves, self
-respect.
So therefore a Muslim has modesty in three
different circumstances, in front of Allah, the angels
and himself.
Did you hear me say anything about people
here?
No.
It's got nothing to do with people.
People who don't believe in Allah, who don't
believe in the hereafter, who don't believe in
this unseen, which we Muslims believe in, will
say there's no point of shame.
What do you want with people?
You get nowhere in life.
But we as Muslims, we have shame, we
have modesty because Allah sees us.
Because the angels are there, because of ourselves,
because there is a hereafter coming, because we
are created here in this world for a
test.
And a Muslim's morals and his character is
based mostly on modesty and haya.
And the higher it is, the better you
are.
I bring to you the story, an example
of the story of Moses, Musa Alayhi Salaam.
Remember the story of Musa and the young
ladies in Surat Al-Qasas.
Let's look at their story for a minute
because there are so many gems to be
learned from there about modesty.
Allah says about Musa Alayhi Salaam, When
he arrived at the spring of Madian, he
found there a crowd of people watering their
flocks.
ووجد من دونهم امرأتين تذودان And he found
apart from them, two women holding their flocks
back.
They're not going forward, they're holding their flocks
back.
قال ما خطبكما He asked the women, what
is it that troubles you?
قالتا لا نسقي حتى يصدر الرعاء قالتا لا
نسقي حتى يصدر الرعاء وأبونا شيخ كبير They
said, we cannot water our flocks until the
shepherds take their flocks away.
And our father is a very old man.
That's it.
Nothing more, nothing less.
See these two sentences they used?
They perfectly describe a huge paragraph.
What are they saying?
They said, we will not mix with the
men because we women have a sense of
modesty.
In case men and women mix and they
start touching us and we touch them.
That's not a moral thing.
So we are waiting until they go and
then we'll go and give our flock the
water.
And the reason we're out here, just in
case you know, our father is old so
therefore we have no other family.
We need to be out here mixing with
the men and doing these things.
All of this in just two sentences.
Do you know why they only use such
short sentences?
Because that's also part of modesty.
That they only say what is needed and
gives the meaning.
Musa alayhi salam is a handsome, tall, strong,
muscly, dark man.
He's amazingly beautiful and strong and young and
single and alone and vulnerable.
And you'll find out later on that one
of these sisters, they were actually sisters, she
felt she was interested in him.
And later on he marries her.
But she doesn't reveal any of that.
Nothing.
She doesn't say she turned to her sister
and said, I think I'm in love.
She didn't turn around and use some words
saying, so why are you single, alone?
None of these words.
He did not turn around and say anything
extra to them.
Just, what is the problem that you're going
through?
And he was destitute.
He was running away as a fugitive from
the Egyptians.
The pharaoh wanted to kill him because he
had accidentally killed one of the Egyptians.
And he's hungry, he's starving, he's got no
home, he's alone, he's sick.
But he only asks them, what's your trouble?
Allah says in the Qur'an, فَسَقَى لَهُمَا
ثُمَّ تَوَلَّى إِلَى الْظِلِّ فَقَالَ رَبِّ إِنِّي لِمَا
أَنزَلْتَ إِلَيَّ مِنْ خَيْرٍ فَقِيرٍ He said, on
hearing this, Moses watered their flocks for them
and then returned in a shaded place and
said, My Lord, I am truly in great
need of any good that you might send
down to me.
Allah.
He went back into the shade after helping
the women and he turns to Allah, my
Lord, I am in need.
Allah says, soon thereafter, one of the two
women came to him.
One came walking to him.
He describes the way she walked to him
in such a manner.
تَمْشِي عَلَى اِسْتِحْيَاء She came back walking bashfully.
استحياء in the Arabic language is taken from
the word حياء, which is our topic, modesty.
But استحياء, when you say it that way,
it's more intense.
It's stronger than just modesty.
What is استحياء?
It's when she's hesitating.
I go forward or should I go back?
My modesty tells me, don't take another step.
At the same time, there is a need.
I've got no other choice.
I've got to go forward, back, forward, back,
forward.
And she pushed herself to go forward.
That's called استحياء.
So as you can see, she was shy,
but she didn't let her shyness make her
say and do what needs to be done.
At the same time, she's still showing bashfulness,
which shows modesty, that there is a boundary
around her.
In case Moses has a wrong idea or
anyone else that sees her, Musa A.S.
knows, she is a woman that has integrity
and a boundary, as you can see.
But she still walked and spoke with integrity.
She said to him, my father invites you
that he may reward you for your having
watered our flocks for us.
Who invites you?
Our father.
She could have said, we would like to,
indicating she's interested in him.
But her modesty made her very aware of
herself and the situation.
She doesn't want to give the wrong impression
or idea.
And at the same time, she wants to
have her self-dignity.
And if things are ever going to develop,
if there is, it has to be done
the right way with her modesty and dignity
intact and protected and known.
This is true, true self-respect.
This is true integrity.
This is true dignity.
This is true femininity.
Now, Musa A.S. also has modesty even
stronger than hers.
This man who is alone now in the
middle of nowhere and a young woman in
the middle of nowhere, two single people.
Nobody is watching.
He is strong.
He and her can do anything.
Her father is an old man.
That means she's got no brothers or uncles
or fathers or anybody to come out to
protect her.
Yet, Musa A.S., what did he do?
He looked at her as Allah accepting his
dua.
When he said, Oh Allah, I am in
need.
He looked at this lady coming back that
Allah had sent her to make an opening
for him for goodness.
So he followed her.
Omar Ibn Khattab talks about this verse and
he says, the way she came to him,
she had grabbed her clothes and sort of
hid part of her face as she talked
to him.
And then Omar Ibn Khattab mentions, not like
our women today.
We're talking 1,400 years ago.
And he's saying, not like our women today
going here.
Women of today, they don't care where they
go and what they mix and how they
talk and how loud they are and how
quiet.
And these men, this is 1,400 years
ago, talking about a woman that existed 3
,000 years before that.
And now here we are.
God help us in our society today.
Where do I begin?
So Musa A.S. followed her.
When Moses came to him, to her father,
and narrated to him the whole of his
story, he said, the father said, have no
fear.
You are now safe from the inquisitous people,
from the bad, evil people.
Musa A.S., he felt a need to
follow her.
But he did not harm her, did not
talk to her in anything, did not flirt
with her, did not take the opportunity for
anything.
Went to the father.
The story goes on that one of the
sisters said, oh father, oh father, hire him
to work for us.
The best type of man you can hire
is a trustworthy, strong man.
Which indicates a good quality and characteristic of
a man to marry.
That if he has qualities of trustworthiness and
honesty, he's a good man who will look
after the wife he marries.
Because he will not neglect his responsibilities as
a husband and father.
And as a son-in-law and so
on.
That's true masculinity.
To be able to take his role and
responsibilities.
And that requires trustworthiness and honesty.
And when your trustworthiness and honesty is built
on modesty, haya, and built on the fact
that Allah is watching you and you are
loyal to Allah.
Then that's the best type of person.
The one who fears Allah in secret and
in open.
They don't care if the authorities see him
or don't.
And so on.
My brothers and sisters, see this characteristic there
is called modesty.
This is why I didn't say it's shame.
She didn't feel shame.
Nor was she uncomfortable in her body, in
her clothing, in her walking, in her talking.
Nor was Musa A.S. uncomfortable in his
talking, in his body, in his walking and
talking.
But they both had boundaries which they stopped
at.
He asked them, he helped them, he spoke
to them.
They spoke back, they told him, she came
back, he went, followed, and kept everything moral,
respectful for themselves in front of Allah and
to each other.
Did life stop?
Some people think, oh, but if you're going
to follow that path in Islam, you can't
do anything.
I've had young people ask me the question
which I don't know what to make of
it.
Saying, why is it haram to have a
girlfriend?
Why is it haram to have a boyfriend?
Why?
I don't know how, where has the morality
gone?
Where has the modesty gone?
I mean, just instinctively, naturally, when you're a
little tiny child, you already feel something's wrong
with that.
You're talking about haram sexuality, sexual behavior here.
You're making lawful for yourself an opposite gender
to do sexual acts with.
That's what it means.
How can you do that?
That's when the haya is gone.
That is a sign of haya gone.
My brothers and sisters, the person who does
not have the sense of fear of shame
and so on, they have a special characteristic.
These people who don't have the sense of
shame or modesty or haya, what do we
find in them?
We find that they have a sense of
what we call superficial charm.
Four things.
Superficial charm, which means that they would do
whatever makes them well received by others.
As opposed to what they actually believe is
right or wrong.
So if people give you attention, they laugh
at your joke, they think you're cool, you
will do the wrong thing.
That's a person who lacks shame and modesty.
They also have impulsivity.
People who lack modesty have impulsivity.
What does impulsivity mean?
They do reckless things without care or thought.
Just says and does what their desires tell
them to do.
Whatever their feelings tell them and like doing
with no care of consequences and what happens.
The people who don't have modesty in them
anymore, they have something called extreme confidence.
Extreme confidence.
Confidence is good and then there's extreme confidence
like cockiness and very low anxiety.
They don't fear anything so there's no thinking.
They also have a cold heartedness.
What is cold heartedness?
They don't care who is watching them, who
they have hurt and what boundaries they have
crossed.
This is a person who has no sense
of fearing shame and has no sense of
modesty.
No hayat, lifeless, lifeless person.
My brothers and sisters, the Prophet ﷺ was
described, how was he described?
The Prophet ﷺ's shyness always showed on his
face.
You're talking about the most masculine, strongest, integral
man on the face of the earth.
The messengers and the Prophet ﷺ, the final
Prophet.
He was described as such.
They said, The Prophet ﷺ was more
intense in his shyness than a virgin girl
that is in her oasis.
So who is going to be most shy?
Right?
It's a girl who's never encountered another man.
She'll be very shy, right?
So they said, The Prophet ﷺ was more
than that.
In what sense?
Whenever he saw or encountered someone or something
around him that was immoral.
Someone did something that's immoral.
Someone swore, someone said something, someone did something.
He heard about someone who had done something
immoral or wrong.
The Prophet ﷺ would close his mouth and
he could see on his cheeks redness.
He would be embarrassed for that person.
Because that was called hayat.
This is not right.
And I've seen, you've seen sometimes you stand
with sheikhs and scholars who fear Allah ﷻ.
And maybe you might say a joke that
goes a little bit too far.
And you'll see, these scholars were knowledgeable.
They understand what hayat means.
Suddenly they'll just look down.
They won't embarrass you, but they'll look down
a bit and you think, okay, this is
a bit awkward.
I shouldn't have said that.
But they won't embarrass you.
And then they'll change the topic.
So this is a sign of hayat.
The characteristic of a person with hayat.
It's a good thing.
But it doesn't mean you can't joke.
So there's a balance in Islam.
Please don't misunderstand me.
The Prophet ﷺ joked with his companions and
with elderly women.
So one day a woman came to him
and said, an elderly woman, over 80 years
old.
She said, Ya Rasulullah, do you know if
I will enter paradise?
And he said to her, No old woman
will enter paradise.
He's joking with her.
So she took it literally.
Went back to her husband and he saw
her a little bit sad.
And when she told him what the Prophet
ﷺ said, he laughed and said, go back
and ask him what he meant.
So when she went back, the Prophet ﷺ
laughed.
The laughter of the Prophet ﷺ, by the
way, was never kah kah kah.
He never produced sound.
The Prophet ﷺ either smiled.
And when he smiled a lot, you could
see his gums.
That's the characteristic of his laughter.
That means he laughed.
So when his gums show.
It doesn't mean you can't laugh, kah kah.
But Rasul ﷺ's hayat and modesty is unmatched.
So he laughed like that.
And he said to her, you will enter
young.
It means jannah.
If you're old, you will return to your
youthful age first.
And then you will enter paradise.
So no old people will enter paradise.
Rasul ﷺ, when he joked, it was always
truthful.
And there was always goodness and happiness that
he brought to people.
So that is not immodesty.
This is actually modesty.
To be able to joke in a way
that benefits and brings happiness to people is
the heart of modesty.
To differentiate between what's moral and immoral.
To joke morally.
To speak morally.
To dress morally.
To interact morally.
To do business morally.
To talk morally.
To go and come morally.
As opposed to immoral.
Keep going on with your life.
Rasul ﷺ saw another companion walking with, it
could have been his younger brother or his
son or someone like that.
From the context of the hadith.
And the man was advising the person that
was with him, the younger person, not to
be so modest.
You know, too bashful.
For Rasul ﷺ, when he heard this, he
said, leave him.
Leave him.
For modesty is a part of iman.
It is a part of true faith.
This man had an instinctive nature.
Because you know when you're born, some people
have a higher sense of modesty than others.
You're actually born with different levels of this
sensitivity.
And then as you grow older, you get
raised, upbringing by your parents, by your relatives,
by your society, by the school, by your
social media, by your friends.
And then that modesty either grows or dies
out.
So this man had it in him.
And Rasul ﷺ is telling him, don't.
Leave him as he is.
He's alright.
He's got a strong sense of modesty.
So the man was, so from the context
we understand, the man is trying to tell
him, don't be so modest because you won't
get ahead in life.
People will walk over you.
But that's not what the Prophet ﷺ means
here.
He's saying, no, no, no, no.
He has a sense of modesty.
Meaning that he has integrity.
He has a moral compass of right and
wrong.
If someone hires him, he's going to be
honest.
Whether the employer is seeing or doesn't see.
If he marries someone, he's going to look
after their daughter.
If he has children, he's going to look
after them.
If he is entrusted with wealth, you can
trust him.
That is called haya.
But the difference is that some people just
do it and some people have a strong
sense to do it.
Meaning they don't need to be told.
They instinctively do it.
Some people do it without even hearing what's
right or wrong.
They instinctively do it.
So that strong sense is what makes people
not do fraudulent things.
Not lie, for example.
Not do bad things when people are not
around.
Right?
So for example, a long time ago, I
used to work for a clothing shop.
A long time ago.
Just making ends meet while I was at
uni.
And the owner of the store, it was
since now Black Friday is coming up.
Friday, this Friday.
So I think it was Black Friday or
Boxing Day.
You know, when this craze about everything is
going to be half price and all that
rubbish.
Most of them are lying to you.
So I remember that time.
We walked into the back, into the warehouse.
And we started getting all the T-shirts
and the clothing and pants.
And there were tags on there.
Like let's say $200.
We would take the tags off.
Put another tag that has $300 crossed out.
Now $200.
You know, I said, is this halal or
haram?
That was the last day I went there,
by the way.
Without saying what place that was.
So a person with haya and modesty knows
that Allah is watching.
Won't do that.
Won't trick people.
Right?
So haya means when you're alone with another
gender.
You don't allow yourself to be there.
From the beginning, you stop that haya.
I know.
I've seen young people before my eyes.
MashaAllah.
I'd be filling up petrol, for example.
Or I'm somewhere or I'm in the car
or I'm walking.
We catch each other out, don't we?
We see each other, but some of us,
we don't tell you that we've seen you.
But I love to highlight when I see
good things.
So you know, I've seen a few of
the youngsters.
Some of them come to this mosque.
Some of them go to the school that
I used to teach at.
I've seen them around, right?
And just accidentally, I just see them.
For example, one time I saw a young
one who I knew come past.
And there was a car outside with a
bunch of ladies in there not dressed properly.
And this young man just put his head
down and closed his eyes and kept walking
to his car.
Now I wasn't focusing on him, but it
just caught my eye.
And I go, that's amazing.
You don't see much of that around these
days.
So this is called haya.
He doesn't want to take it to the
next level.
Because he knows if you take it to
the next level, something else is going to
happen.
Allahi, when I was about nine years old,
I'll share this with you.
My father told me, Bobo, when you become
14, you're going to start getting sins if
you do the wrong thing.
But right now, you don't get sins as
a child.
I said, what do I get?
And he goes, now you fill up your
bag.
Get a big bag so that when you
turn 14, you've got a big head start.
It's going to take long for your sins
to catch up.
So fill it up right now.
I said, and if I do sins?
He goes, well, if I don't teach you,
I get the sins.
I go, no, I don't want you to
get the sins.
He goes, then don't do sins.
So I went and prayed two rakahs and
said, oh Allah, in a room.
I was nine years old.
I still remember.
I said, oh Allah, make me die before
I'm 14.
Wallahi.
I said, oh Allah, bring me death before
I'm 14.
I want to go straight to Jannah.
After that, every time my father would tell
me, Dad, 14, 14, I would say.
Wallahi.
I go, yeah, Dad, I'll just listen.
I won't be here.
Don't need to hear this stuff.
He wants to teach me about puberty.
I go, move on.
So then I turned 14.
As you can see, I'm now over 14.
Reached puberty, I think.
And then I go, la hawla wa la
quwwata illa billah.
I'm 14.
So I went and made another dua.
I said, oh Allah, every time there's an
opportunity for haram, any girls around me, oh
Allah, do something to make it so awkward.
Now, I don't know.
It's because I said the dua that whenever
that did happen, because we didn't have Muslim
schools in high school my time.
We had primary schools that were Muslim private
schools, but not secondary schools.
They were all public schools.
You know how they are.
And we're talking back in the, oh, I'm
going to reveal my age.
We're talking about just the early, early 90s,
maybe even the late 80s, 89, 1989.
So, subhanallah, we were there.
And every time, truly, there was a bunch
of boys or girls around me, certainly in
year seven, year eight, it'll always get awkward.
And I was known to be the weirdo,
the awkward weirdo, the nerd.
One day we were in a class where
we were drawing about the ancient, the Greek
mythology, and Zeus and all the gods and
everything that they believed in.
And I refused to draw a god, right,
a god.
They say you've got to draw your own
god.
So one day I kind of the shaitan
got to me and I go, man, I'm
always not wanting to, how about I just
draw a fire and call it a god.
Suddenly, wallahi al azeem, the girls in the
class, I became popular to them because they
liked my drawing.
Said, oh, is that your god, what's it
called?
And it's a fire god.
And I go, yeah.
And suddenly I'm famous and all good.
Then I go, astaghfirullah al azeem, this is
what my dad told me about.
So I ripped and put it in the
bin.
Next minute, I'm not popular anymore.
Wallahi, I still remember these.
I don't know if it's happened to you.
I have a lot of stories about that.
Actually, I shared them with my kids.
It's good for you to share these things
and say how Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala
keeps you aware.
And if you are with Allah, Allah subhanahu
wa ta'ala will be with you.
Every time it got awkward, you know.
So I think it's from Allah subhanahu wa
ta'ala.
Nevertheless, we work together on it, alhamdulillah.
So work with your creator to keep you
guided and protected, inshallah.
So haya is a very important boat for
you.
Once it's gone, you're lifeless.
That's why we feel depression and too much
anxiety.
Some of us feel empty and then we
want to fill it up with superficial things.
And some of us, our haya is so
low that they feel the only way to
fulfill their needs and somehow their self-esteem
is to go out with someone.
Is to have someone who apparently loves them.
But they don't.
Really, it's not.
When you say love, love has to be
in a halal way, not in a haram
way.
That's the shaitan's love.
That's something else that you're throwing yourself into.
So brothers and sisters, haya is life.
And it will pay off inshallah in this
world and in the next.
And finally I say that Allah subhanahu wa
ta'ala, Rasulullah ﷺ says that Allah subhanahu
wa ta'ala hayiyun.
Allah is modest.
Sitteer.
He loves to cover up the faults of
people.
So a modest person covers up their own
faults.
A modest person doesn't like to show off
their faults.
You don't go out and tell people about
your sins.
You're not comfortable with it.
Unless there is a benefit somehow.
But you don't tell people about your sins.
You're not proud of it.
And Allah is sitteer.
He loves to cover.
So a person who has modesty also likes
to cover the faults of others too.
They don't like their faults to be shown.
And they don't like to expose other people's
faults.
This is one of the characteristics of a
modest person.
Catch it.
If you know a person like that, that's
a good friend.
That's a person who inshallah will remind you
of Allah.
Number two, Allah says sitteer.
He loves to cover for people's faults.
فَإِذَا اغْتَسَ لَأَحَدُكُمْ فَلْيَسْتَتِرُ When one of you
goes to wash themselves, to bathe, do it
in privacy.
The hadith was about a time when Prophet
ﷺ was going to the mosque and then
he saw from a distance a man who
had his clothes off.
He was naked and having a bath at
a distance away from people.
Because in those days they didn't have bathrooms
and that.
So he went to the mimbar.
Prophet ﷺ spoke in public.
He doesn't want to expose him.
And he said if one of you wants
to bathe, do it in privacy.
That's for people.
Some people take this literally and they think
when you bathe you have to have clothes
on.
It doesn't work like that.
You've got to clean yourself.
But the idea is keep privacy.
Don't let other people see you.
I say to parents, train your children about
hayat for example at a particular age where
you yourself tell them, you show them how
you respect their privacy.
So you knock and so on.
If you're going to change your clothes, even
if they're like four or five years old,
don't change in front of them.
Unless you're covered underneath properly.
But don't change in front of them.
Some parents may say, well a father may
be wearing really short boxer shorts.
Don't show the thigh.
If you're wearing long ones just above the
knees, that's fine.
Maybe mothers, whatever, make sure that you practice
modesty in front of your children to keep
that going inshallah.
By the time they're seven or eight, especially
that age, modesty has to be increased.
And as I said, you role model it,
show it, you do it yourself, and they
do it for you and you teach them
to knock at a young age when they
want to enter mum and dad's bedroom and
so on.
You know what I mean.
If swearing and abusing, don't take it as
a macho thing that, oh I swear, that
means I'm cool and everybody likes me.
No, that's immodesty.
That's a sign of a person, number one,
who hasn't got a big vocabulary, so they
don't really know how to talk.
And number two, they don't know how to
express themselves.
And number three, they're really lacking modesty.
So in front of your children, you've got
to make sure about these jokes.
You know, the next time your child goes
and swears at school, remember, did you swear
in front of them?
Did you say something?
Children embarrass us.
We've all been there.
I've been there.
Isn't that right?
We've all been there.
So, very important, brothers and sisters, al haya
is a core value of our deen.
And some of us are more than others.
If we have fallen into these mistakes, our
repentance covers the sin, just like Adam and
Hawa, alayhim assalam, when they repented from disobeying
Allah and falling for the tricks of the
shaitan.
Jazakumullahu khair for listening.
May Allah subhana wa ta'ala preserve you
and bless you, bless your lives, bless your
children, bless your dignity, your modesty, your integrity
and your self-respect and protect you from
all harm, from within and from without.
Ameen, ya rabbal alameen.
May Allah subhana wa ta'ala protect our
brothers and sisters destitute in Palestine and everywhere
around the world.
Ameen, ya rabbal alameen.
Wa sallallahu alayhi wa sallam wa alhamdulillahi rabbil
alameen.
This brother is asking about the fiqh positions,
meaning the fine details, the jurisprudence of intermixing
or interacting between opposite genders, men and women.
So if their children haven't reached puberty, obviously
the interaction is, the boundaries are much, much
less.
If you have reached puberty and the other
gender hasn't reached puberty, depending on their age,
again the interactions are much less.
So physical contact is not haram, but there
is still boundaries.
However, once both of you have reached puberty,
even if he or she is your cousin,
you've got to learn who are the mahrams
and who are non-mahram.
Mahram means those who are forbidden from you
being alone with them in a closed private
room, number one.
A non-mahram is also a person who
you are allowed to potentially marry, and that
includes your uncle's wife.
You might say, oh, but it's my uncle's
wife.
Your uncle's wife, you are not mahram to
her because in circumstance, let's say she was
young or something, you would be able to
marry her if she was a widow, for
example, or divorced.
So even though you're not going to marry
her, but the thing is that she's not
a mahram.
So anybody can potentially marry.
Number three, you're not allowed to see their
hair if they're a female.
You're not allowed to have physical contact with
them.
Some of them on Eid, for example, parents
tell them, don't worry, your cousins, your cousins.
Yalla, hug and kiss, cousins.
Oh, cousins.
And sometimes people get married and they have
a culture where the son and daughter-in
-law have to live with the in-laws
and then they say, well, your brother-in
-laws are like your brother.
They come in and see her without a
hijab.
That's important to know.
Secondly, as you saw in these examples from
Musa alayhis salaam and the young ladies, and
we have ample examples in the seerah of
the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam, where there was
interaction between men and women.
There was talking, verbal talking between men and
women.
Women spoke in front of men and men
spoke in front of women and women and
women spoke to each other.
We have a time where the Prophet sallallahu
alayhi wasallam used to give a private session
for women, just for them.
And he would answer their questions and teach
them.
And one time Umar ibn al-Khattab r
.a entered and the women got up and
went behind the veil, which indicates that they
weren't behind the veil, but obviously they were
all covered.
But when they went behind the veil, Umar
ibn al-Khattab, and they went quiet, and
Umar ibn al-Khattab, he heard them raising
their voices like they were asking the Prophet
sallallahu alayhi wasallam questions after questions.
And he said, and Rasul sallallahu alayhi wasallam
smiled and he said, Ya Umar, you're amazing.
Even the shaytan gets scared of you.
If you take a path, the shaytan takes
another path.
And he said to the women, how dare
you fear me more than Rasulullah.
Now you're all quiet, but you're all raising
each other to ask him questions.
And they said to him, yeah, well because
you, Umar, you're harsh.
That's why we're quiet with you.
Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam is easy going, gives
us time.
So why did I say this story?
This is an authentic narration.
Shows us that there is some degree of
interaction if there is benefit, and of course
there are conditions.
So the hijab has to be worn properly.
The interaction has to be a need for
it.
There has to be a benefit for it.
And only what is needed should be said.
You can also be kind and say kind
words, but not beyond that inshallah.
So obviously our brothers and sisters have to
feel safe and respected among each other.
We don't put on a harsh voice.
You can keep on a normal voice.
But Allah subhana wa ta'ala tells us
not to soften our voice and not to
make it flirtatious and unnecessary to the point
where it can give the other person an
impression, right?
To be seated in a respectful way if
there is a need.
So they interacted in business.
They used to go to the markets.
Women would go past, men would go past.
So if there is a need, it's not
a strict situation of no, no, no, everything
is haram, no.
But obviously if there is no need, the
best thing is that men and women are
separated where there is no need as much
as you see in the masjid for example.
Women pray at the back, men pray at
the front, not because men are more superior
but because of modesty.
And no men or women of Muslims ever
think, oh, when men are praying in the
front that means they're better.
No, no, it's a modesty issue.
I don't want to go into details because
of different postures in Salat and to give
respect to our sisters.
Some of them need to leave, some of
them have children and so on.
So the interaction is as such.
Now sometimes you may have family where you
interact and you're not mahrams.
For example your brother might be married and
sister-in-law comes in to visit.
Your parents are there, you're there.
So if there is respect, if there is
a boundary that is respected, if the words
are full of respect, if the hijab is
maintained, then that's okay.
I don't know of any scholars who said
it's haram.
But what is better?
What is better is segregation, better.
But we live in a practical world where
a lot of our families, they didn't make
sense, it's going to be very hard.
You can try but in circumstances you can
be respectful with each other.
Obviously Islam is not too extreme in the
sense of no, absolutely no words, absolutely no
sight.
And at the same time it's not too
lenient.
So it's somewhere in between.
I hope inshallah this in summary.
This actually needs a lecture to talk about
in more detail.
But in a nutshell this is how it
is.
Now the wives of the Prophet ﷺ they're
a little bit different.
There was more strictness on their behaviour with
the men.
Allah SWT says, do not soften your voices
because the men who have ill intentions or
sicknesses in their heart will get the wrong
impression.
Now scholars said this applies to the rest
of the women because the Prophet's wives are
role models but to a lesser extent not
as strict and as serious for the wives
of the Prophet ﷺ.
Obviously women should not be flirtatious and soften
their voices intending to give, intending to be
flirtatious.
So Aisha ra Dalana for example and the
wives of the Prophet ﷺ used to speak
with men from behind a veil.
So either they would, they would be covered
from head to toe even their face, everything.
You can't see anything of them.
But Aisha Dalana used to give classes to
the men.
She is the greatest female scholar that our
scholars and jurists have ever spoken about.
And Fatima radiyallahu anha but the likes of
them.
And she used to after the Prophet's ﷺ
death in Mecca and in Medina she would
pick up a place and put a veil
in front of her like a screen and
she would speak and teach the men and
answer their questions and go back and forth
and study this or that.
So as you can see there is some
leniency and life goes on.
As for the gaze, the Qur'an says
O Messenger of Allah, O Prophet of Allah
tell the believing men to lower or to
guard their gaze.
I won't say lower.
Al-ghad, ghuddu min apsarihim is a little
bit different to lowering.
And when we say lower I think you
know what it means.
Ghuddu means to withhold min apsarihim, part of
their gaze.
What does that mean?
It means if there is no need to
look at a woman and a woman to
look at the man to talk then in
normal circumstances guard part of your gaze.
Why?
Because you still need to walk in the
streets.
You still need to go and come.
You're not going to be a blind person
bumping into poles and things.
That's absurd.
So you keep walking normal but don't gaze
at women.
So the eye caught him, keep moving on.
Ghuddu min.
Allah said don't look.
He said cover your sight as much as
you can.
And Rasulullah said the first look is yours,
the second one is against you.
It's not.
And the person just move on.
But when you're talking together and Allah knows
best looking at each other while talking if
there's a need depends on the situation.
So the best thing to do is you
look and then partly sort of not look
and look and partly not look.
But it depends on the situation.
So looking at a person and trying to
make something clear is okay.
But if you can guard your sight every
now and then then that's good.
But don't make it sort of because when
we say lower your gaze lower and you
take it literally and sometimes you may be
in a job or some any kind of
interaction where a man and a woman may
need to talk to each other as we're
living in the West.
This is what happens.
It's impossible to avoid it.
So sometimes a woman's not dressed and it's
better to look at her eyes than looking
downwards or anywhere else because they're not dressed
appropriately.
So sometimes you've got to look at the
situation.
There is Allah says fear Allah as much
as you can.
Islam is not an impractical religion.
It doesn't tell you to be invisible.
And Allah knows best.
Look about the seeing right because some people
I know they have no explanation.
So I'll just give one example.
The Hadith is in Bukhari where Rasul Sallallahu
Alaihi Wasallam when he went to do his
Hajj the pilgrimage in Fath Makkah when they
opened Makkah when they took over Makkah and
with him was al-Fudail he was a
young boy young man probably about 16 or
so 17 maybe and a woman came out
and she spoke to him and Rasul Sallallahu
Alaihi Wasallam was speaking to her and the
companion describes the narrator of the Hadith says
the young lady was attractive she looked nice
she had a nice face which means that
she hadn't covered her face and that they
looked at her and she looked at them.
How did they look at each other was
respectful.
Rasul Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam is looking and he's
answering her question but at the same time
al-Fadl who is al-Fadl who is
next to him he had no purpose of
looking at the girl at the lady so
Rasul Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam would just keep talking
to the lady and then he would put
his hand on the cheek of al-Fadl
and just move it away and he would
keep talking and then he would look back
at her because she was attractive and Rasul
Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam would keep talking and just
move his face away very subtly and the
young lady she first looked at al-Fadl
and then when she saw that he moved
his face away she understood very quickly more
than al-Fadl men will be men right
so she understood because women have a bit
more emotional intelligence than men in this situation
in this situation something of our brain blocks
so Rasul Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam had to remind
him a few times but without making it
such a big deal oh my god he's
looking he should be no no Rasul Sallallahu
Alaihi Wasallam never mentioned it ever to him
again but what I'm going to tell you
is that there was looking so they can
see each other's faces they're talking to each
other but there's a benefit but whoever didn't
have a reason to look Rasul Sallallahu Alaihi
Wasallam subtly and easily and softly told him
to look away and when she noticed that
she stopped looking at him I mean from
the first straight away so she stopped so
he didn't tell her because he doesn't want
to embarrass her being a female but he
could touch al-Fadl and move him because
he's you know a young man so all
of this indicates to us some level of
a balance and a level of practicality so
that we can get along in our lives
okay I hope inshallah that gives you a
summary of course there's much more to talk
about but I don't want to bore you
out with too much talking very good question
very good question so Rasul Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam
said it's a long hadith it's a long
hadith but in the end he says if
you have no sense of shame no sense
of modesty then do as you please it's
saying that modesty is everything that if you
don't have a sense of shame or modesty
then nothing will stop you from doing the
immoral things no command of Allah no fear
of Allah no talking about hellfire no talking
about paradise nothing only the law capturing you
and putting you so this is a very
good question and actually part of my talk
today truly if you don't have any sense
of shame and morality and decency and modesty
Rasul Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam is saying do as
you please meaning really I can't do anything
for you no words from me no actions
no practice no reminders are going to reach
this person's head or heart like I told
you sometimes I see people they just lost
the plot no shame nothing and I've been
a teacher for a long time we've had
students like that you know they pass a
phase we call the jahli stage in Lebanese
you go past the ignorant stage some of
them at 14, 15, 16 they just don't
register and the shame there has gone down
depending on who they're hanging around with if
they've got really bad friends and they've done
haram things Subhanallah the sense of morality is
just dead in them no matter what you
say how many detentions you give them how
many meetings you have with their parents no
matter what khutbah you give them what advice
nothing works so that's the meaning that Rasulullah
said it's not saying if you have no
shame do as you please when you've got
a free green card no and it's almost
like a threat but not really so Rasulullah
doesn't threaten but he's saying to you without
modesty you can't move forward you're going to
do all immoral things nothing's going to change
you so just do whatever you want because
this person if he stays that way and
dies that way there is a very high
chance they're going to end up in the
punishment in hellfire because they're going to fall
into so many haram things and never repent
because they have no shame Jazakallah Khair very
good question I really like that question and
yours as well Mashallah so let's combine that
question if a person is found that they
don't have a sense of shame advising them
is going to be very difficult but I
can't tell you what to advise them exactly
because everyone's got a different personality your trick
your challenge is to know this person what
are the angles from which you can approach
him with is it through lightheartedness is it
through sports is it through trade is it
through going out is it through hanging out
is it through bringing him to the mosque
is it through talking whatever it is find
what interests they have usually I always find
from students that I've taught that if you
can find out an interest or a hobby
that that student has I used to approach
them from that angle so if a student
for example loves talking about soccer a lot
and all these I'd go and research about
soccer players and I would come back and
just sort of make out like mention a
few soccer players and we connect so then
that person would listen so the idea is
try and find which angle works best with
that person because not everyone works with lecturing
not everybody works with reminders once the Rasul
Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam exited the masjid and he
saw a man who was so angry and
infuriated that he was swearing and chucking tantrums
and saying words and the man is just
angry and everybody's trying to calm him down
nobody could calm him down Rasul Sallallahu Alaihi
Wasallam he looked at him and said if
this man says a'udhu billahi minash shaitanir
rajim his anger will dissipate because he could
see the shaitan Rasul Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam walked
the other way, why?
because in that moment that man is not
going to respond the more you talk to
him the angrier he's going to get so
just keep him away from harm why did
I say this?
you've got to understand the approach of that
person so you're saying if someone is your
cousin for example and close to you then
now your job is to try and see
okay, let me see from which angles I
can approach this person and maybe throw in
a few words maybe praising someone for their
efforts like I remember telling some friends you
know you know bro honestly I've been a
friend with you or a cousin of yours
for this many years and if there's any
there's one thing that I really have to
say to you I like this particular quality
about you people work well when you are
honest with them and sincere about some good
qualities that you mention in them and then
suddenly they listen in a nutshell Habibi there
is a book called there's books about communication
one of them I always mention it's written
by a non-Muslim man but in the
50s but really it fits well I can
write a seerah equivalent of it the Prophet
Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam just match it where it's
called how to make friends and influence people
Dale Carnegie talks really about how to reach
people and how to win their hearts over
so in a way where it's respectful and
good so maybe read a book or look
at ways of how to approach people I
think it's a big big lesson for us
to learn about people emotional intelligence people their
mindsets how to approach people very important inshallah
alright one more question a person has self
-reflection and they want to increase their modesty
well Habib look self-reflection is part of
modesty Alhamdulillah that's amazing so when you do
self-reflection what do you do?
you catch yourself with one or two things
that you're not happy about yourself with write
them down memorize them I think writing works
just two things and then make a goal
and say these are two things I would
like to catch myself with and hold myself
back when the time comes then I'll pray
two rakahs and say oh Allah this is
my goal be my support and assist me
on the journey it works wonders once you
make a goal and you focus on what
you want to improve on one one at
a time or two maximum work on it
for about 40-60 days catch yourself on
it and you'll find that your brain channels
your neuron channels start to shift Subhanallah naturally
and then it becomes second nature to you
so you've got to catch yourself and exactly
what you said reflection write them make a
goal catch yourself improve one by one you'll
relapse a bit make some errors eventually it
becomes a habit so practice it's as simple
as that very good questions Jazakumullah Khair I
think it's time